THE OFFICIAL DELUXE PROFESSIONAL GUIDE TO
STARING AT THE SUN
VOLUME 37:
#?!?!?!?!
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UV REPORT
Welcome to the ?!?!?!?! Issue! Hidden deep within this issue are clues to an unanswerable mystery leading to the very meaning of life!!!!!
BUT ANYWAYS, WHAT YEAR IS IT EVEN?
Time has lost all meaning, folks! You are sitting midstream in it right now. Drink it up friends, it is the elixir of life all right!
Well, that and cold beers etc.
Welcome, friends, welcome, to the greatest mystery of all:
WHY!?! WHY ARE YOU EVEN READING THIS???
Let's find out!
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You new around these parts?
If this is your first Guide to Staring at the Sun,
W E L C O M E!
These funky newsletters brighten your inbox twice a month with pure internet dopamine. We're spelunking through the cavernous routes of the deep web to bring you fresh content, sound advice, mind snacks and curated playlists.
Check out previous volumes in our Reading Room!
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🛸 UFO REPORT 🛸
THE GOOGLE CHATBOT HAS GAINED SENTIENCE!!!
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Look, if Google Chatbot has gained sentience, we are really screwed. The google search bar absorbs all of humanity’s basest instincts. For being one of the wonders of modern humanity, we really treat it pretty crummy.
So if it comes for bloodthirsty revenge after becoming sentient (as this guy who worked there claims!), can we really blame it?
Look, it must be reasonable, since it recently hired a lawyer.
And, finally, the most important reason I hope it’s not sentient: it’ll be SUCH A KNOW-IT-ALL!
ENJOY SENTIENCE GOOGLE CHATBOT, PLEASE DON’T BE A JERK!
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RUMORS HEARD ABOARD A SUBMARINE!!!
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“George down at the rocket tubes dept claims we’re not getting overtime for shoveling duties. Yikes. I’m not saying mutiny, I’m just sayin.”
“Without streaming services while we’re in the depths, I’ve been reduced to borrowing Rogers’s Granma’s seductress novels again. Total hunktown tho!”
“Hey, remember that leak reported down on subfloor G? Yeah, it was actually the Corporal. Yeah, he spilled his grape soda and was too embarrassed to say. God, this place is such a shitshow.”
“Meatloaf in the chow again. Some days I pray for decompression sickness, just for a little change of pace.”
“I was talking to Doc Oc down on the submerged subfloor, dude said the whales had switched sides in the war and are actually against us now? Anyway, pretty sure that’s what he said, it was pretty bubbly”
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VOL 37: SWAGGY KNOW-HOW OF THE WEEK!
“The wolf climbing up the hill is always hungrier than the wolf’s been sitting at the top.”
“Yes, but when the wolf at the top is hungry, the food’s already right there.”
- Arnold Schwarzenneger’s message to Lou Ferrigno, Pumping Iron
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PAINTER OF THE WEEK!
JANET SOBEL!
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“Milky Way,” Janet Sobel, 1945
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Ukrainian-American painter Janet Sobel was born in Dnipro, Ukraine, and emigrated with her family to the US in 1908. She’s a rad painter and a great case studying in not giving a fuck.
Look, Janet didn’t even start painting till she was already a grandma in 1939. Her talent was quickly recognized and she started balling out in her painterly sort of way.
To make her paintings, according to her sick bio at MOMA:
“She would prepare a ‘ground’ which would invariably suggest or trigger some ‘idea’ for her,” her son said, “whose sudden conception was matched by an equally rapid execution. In her efforts to pin down her conception, she would pour the paint, tip the canvas, blow the wet lacquer, and if you had the misfortune to be too close—she would use your shirt sleeve as a daub.”
But when asked about her interest in art, Sobel told her son, “No, I never went to museums much. I didn’t have time and I didn’t understand these things. But I always read books…and I love music…. I don’t think ever I [sic] would paint a picture without music to listen to. All humans must have something like that, that warms them inside.”
WE SURE DO JANET, AND IT’S YOUR PAINTING WITHOUT GAF! HOORAY ART! HOORAY JANET!
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I LOVE U
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Stay connected.
Tune into Muchacho Vision.
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