THE OFFICIAL DELUXE PROFESSIONAL GUIDE TO
STARING AT THE SUN
VOLUME 38:

Look, I got hoodooed this week. 

Kind of a trip.

Here’s what happened. I was down in the holler by the railroad tracks and I saw this tape sticking up out of the leaves. Dr. John’s debut album! Looking original from 1968!

Well, turns out this was indeed a special copy. The second I pressed play and Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya-Ya started playing, weird things began happening. The leaves kicked up in a tornado around me. The trees began to move their limbs in rhythm. A strange railroadman appeared, wearing a feather in his cap, raised a hammer and beat out a slow funky beat on the railroad ties.

The tape stopped playing. But Dr. John continued:

“Country woman by the railroad track
She burn a candle on me for a fact
Create illusion and a gang of confusion
Just don’t know just where I’m at.”

This was “I Been Hoodood”—but it’s not on that album! WHAT???

I turned around and there was pianist, singer, songwriter, and producer Mac Rebennack himself! He was done up in all his voodoo finery, but ghostly and shining pale green—a funky swampland visage!

He started to sing!

“Cut the rabbit and you burn the frog
You mash em in the holler of a hainty log
A special mineral you got ta cross
Three days I been rippin and runnin. I’m still lost!”

The forest creatures stomped out from their holes and joined in:

“Youuuuu been hoodood…
“Youuuuu been hoodood…
Youuuuu been hoodood!
Hoodoo! Youdo! Who!”

“We’re burning candles on you!” shouted Dr. John.

And honestly it was fuckin awesome. I lit a joint and sang along. Smoke Dr. John up some time — he’s got some good stories and he likes to funky jam it out with the forest creatures. 

Here’s the problem: he’s followed me around all week! All he does is spout Dr. John sayings, like:

“I’m the last of the best. I’m known as the gris-gris man.”

And:

“If you work to hard and you need a little rest
Try my utilize rub put some on my drop fix and jam,
Put some in your breakfast.”

Turns out being hoodooed ain’t all that fun after all. Right place, wrong time! Well, I’m off to pick some herbs for the ole doctor. Au re'oir!

But seriously though, what would’ve happened if dinosaurs weren’t entirely wiped out by an asteroid or aliens or whatever? 

Saurians, that’s what.

These ancient creatures would pair the murderous claws and teeth of dinosaurs with the brains of a higher creature—one wise enough to, ya know, run the world or whatever.

Look, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fear these things. Cold-blooded crocodiles with no conscience but the desire to enslave mankind??? HARD PASS BUDDY!!!!