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THE OFFICIAL DELUXE

PROFESSIONAL GUIDE TO

STARING AT THE SUN


VOLUME 47: NOTES FROM THE RIVER


As Fela Kuti said, “Water get no enemy.”


And it really is true.


We all are drawn to water, and it’s no surprise why: If we are what we eat, I sure as hell am a buncha refreshing ice-cold water!!


If we already are mostly water, that makes Bruce Lee’s advice about “Be like water” incredibly easy.


I’m doing it right now, just sitting in this chair.


Heck, I’m practically overflowing with the stuff.


Which raises the question: How can we become even close to our watery origins?


Well, strap on in people. It’s time to get wet.

PLAYLIST: LET’S GET WET!

NOTES FROM THE RIVER

Wow, what a nice day it is out here on the river, eh? Sun’s shining. A little colder than the last couple days, but I don’t mind that a bit, do you? ‘Specially when there’s no breeze to speak of.


I see you’re new here, partner, couple quick notes about the river in these parts:

  • Please don’t throw anything in. Certainly don’t throw anything in that’s not meant to be thrown in a river. Stones are OK, in moderation. A little bread? Thanks, buddy. But remember, some of us live here.

  • The river is cold. We get it. When you jump in, no need to scream “OH MY GAWD THAT’S COLD!!!” or do a loud screech or anything. See: previous note about some of us living here.

  • See that rock over there? Don’t swim over there. That’s a very special spot. Some of us like to fin around those parts, hunting for tiny mayflies that are hatching off the bottom.

  • Roger the beaver lives over in the bankside willows. Certainly go over and say hey. But be warned, that guy has a real mouth on him and likes to tell tawdry stories. So I wouldn’t bring any kids over there, personally.

  • That other rock? That one’s fine to play on.


  • I thought about it, and if you want to throw a worm in, that’s fine too. Some of us enjoy that kinda thing.

  • BUT NO FUNNY BUSINESS OK? My pal Todd got caught on a hook the other day and said it was absolutely the weirdest shit’s ever happend to him. To me, the sport of fishing sounds like an excuse for humans to cosplay as alien abductors. Take Todd, for instance. Once they got him up on the bank they took a bunch of selfies with him. JUST STOP, HUMANS. GET A FISH TANK. YOU’RE SO EMBARRASSING.

  • Me, I’ve never been caught, and I never plan to. Uh, I HAVE EYES. I can see when there’s a hook and when there’s not, OK? The trick is to not get so excited about the juicy, crunchy mayfly nymph floating by and to take a close look first.

  • Oh, look, here comes a nice tasty-looking worm now. If you’ll excuse me, I’m a little peckish and could use a bite —

  • WOAH WHAT NO WAY THEY GOT ME!!! PLEASE NO SELFIES!!!

  • DAMN YOU ANGLERS!!! DAMN YOU!!!


SWIMMING WITH THE FISHES

Photo credit: Chris Walling, @steel_snorkel

Recently met a fella by the name of Chris Walling. He lives on Vancouver Island, and for fun he snorkels in rivers, studying fish with his own two eyes.


Chris, who goes by @steels_norkel on instagram, is a very interesting fella.


Chris, how’d you get into snorkeling in rivers and streams?

Growing up, my dad’s nickname was “The Old Trapper.” He grew up in the middle of Ontario, where hunting and fishing were a big part of his life. He was always the kind of dad who went into the forest with you, showed you the different birds and trees and everything else. Always an observer and a teacher.


In the summertime, we’d go to the river. He would always say, let’s put the mask on and see what’s down there.


The goal would be to collect lures snagged on the bottom, but then there were these teaching moments. “See that rainbow hiding behind that rock? Those are whitefish down there.”


What kinda gear do you use? Any advice for anyone who wants to hop in a river and snorkel it?

I recommend:

  • A good wetsuit.

  • Neoprene gloves

  • And a reasonably good quality facemask.

  • Also, I wear a big belt knife, with a massive 10-inch blade.


Woah!! What exactly do you get up to when you’re snorkeling the river?

I’ll find a spot with good lighting, that’s shallow enough, where I know fish will be, and then I’ll hang out in that one spot and photograph. Other times, it’s more exploratory. “OK, I wonder what’s in this 10 kilometer stretch of river.” Hike up to my starting point, then drift down through that stretch. I’ll bring the camera, but I’m really there to gather mental data.


What else is interesting about snorkeling in rivers?

I learned really early that a fish in their element is far superior to us in ours. Watching a fish move underwater is amazing. It’s like watching our highest trained athlete on land, as far as their agility and ability to control their body.


What do fish teach you about swimming?

We rarely let ourselves become one with the water. Once you learn how to move with the water like a fish, it’s an amazing feeling.


You drop into an eddy, one that maybe only a really experienced kayaker would even know is there, and hold in place effortlessly through hand movements and bending your knees and rocking them back and forth as a rudder. You hold in that fast water without expending any energy at all. I learned that from the fish.


Any other tips for cold-water swimming?

If you river snorkel a lot, you build up a very unique set of physical abilities. Rain doesn’t bother me. Cold doesn’t bother me. The human body is meant to be stressed — it’s how we were designed, primitively speaking. It makes you feel ten feet tall and bulletproof.


I gain weight nowadays like I never have before, and deep down inside I really think it’s my body adapting to the environment I put it in. When you’re swimming in water this cold, blubber storage becomes essential.


New around these parts?

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A QUICK BREAKDOWN OF THIS INSANE BIG-WAVE 360

Here we have surfer Kai Lenny, a Maui-born monster shredder, just absolutely sending a VERY big wave.


Right off the bat? Sticks a mondo 360. Happens so fast you might’ve missed it.


Damn, ain’t that something, you think. You start to see how big this wave is and go, “boy, it takes some real cojones to attempt something like that —”


And about this point Mr. Lenny, without seeming to put too much effort into it at all, throws down AN EVEN BIGGER, EVEN SICKER 360.

Pick your jaw up off the floor and file that send right in your portfolio of big-pipe dreams, folks.

TILL NEXT TIME, SURFERS!!!


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