THE OFFICIAL DELUXE

PROFESSIONAL GUIDE TO

STARING AT THE SUN

VOLUME 46:

ARCHERY FROM A MOVING HORSE!!!

Chewing bubble gum and walking at the same time? CHILD’S PLAY.

Try mounting a wild warhorse and shooting enemies off it using an ancient bow and arrow. NOW THAT’S A GOOD TIME!!!

What’s my point, you ask? Great question.

Multitasking isn’t that impressive on its own. Wanna catch a wink and a nod of approval from us? You’ve gotta be doing two really hard things, or else about a dozen really easy things.

So don’t come over here spinning plates on a stick and riding a unicycle and expect us to be impressed, bub.

It’s easier if you manually disconnect the two lobes of your brain. But hey, that’s not for everybody.

We’ve been doing one thing (introducing) far too long! Time to get moving!

RIP KEN BLOCK, DRIFTING EXTRAORDINAIRE

Look, we don’t do sadness in UGSATS — that’s just not what staring at the sun is all about.

Still, it’s time we take a moment to remember Ken Block, one of our favorite race car rippers of all time. He won five medals at the X Games and was the first American to compete in the World Rally Championship.

The man was incredibly inventive with his car. He painted the asphalt with a 600-horsepower rally car like Rembrant.

Remember that time, in episode 5 of his epic film series GHYMKANA, he drifted through an empty San Francisco, drifting between trolley cars?

This was a man for whom the engine would rev like a wildcat hellspawn. Imagine the amount of rubber this man burned in his lifetime. TONS and TONS of it.

We won’t forget you, Ken Block. Thanks for the Hoonage.

HOW-TO: SHOOT ARCHERY FROM A MOVING HORSE!

It’s actually not that hard to rove around a battlefield (or a target range, I guess), shooting bad guys (or targets) with a bow from atop a horse.

First, steal a horse. Bonus points if it’s your arch-nemesis’s pony that you’ve been secretly luring away with carrots, oats, and kindness.

Next, whip out your bow. This part works best if you have been practicing the ancient hunting form for decades (or if you’re just a natural).

Yell loudly: Surely it’ll help if you yell something loudly while riding toward your targets. The aim is to terrify, so I suggest something like:

“Geronimo!!!!” OR “I’m going to shoot you from this here horse, yessir!!!”

Take aim: Ya know, like Legolas/Hawkeye/Rambo does it.

Make sure it’s a baddy: This is an important one. If they’re not the bad guy, you are. (Shooting targets instead is always an option, if you’re not sure.)

WOAH, YOU DID IT!!! KEEP UP THE GROOVY WORK, MULTITASKERS!!

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LETTER TO [REDACTED]!!!

Dear [REDACTED],

My name is Gene. I enjoy your email newsletter, but I live on the planet Vargon 7, which has only moons and no suns.(Subsequently, there is no thing as “hot,” only “frozen solid” and “so cold you can’t feel your nipples.”) Any chance you could create a “Staring at the Moon,” which would help us Vargonians relate?

Dear Gene,

No can do, muchacho. While we love the moon, staring at it just doesn’t activate our senses like the sun does. In fact, we just stared at it for several hours and all that happened was:

• Turned into a werewolf (again!!!!)

• Saw that pesky man on the moon, but he’s a jerk and we don’t like him.

I advise you find a super strong telescope and stare at any star through that. Ought to do the trick! If you feel your retinas melting, you’re on the right track.

Sunshinedly,

[REDACTED]

UFO REPORT:
QUANTUM PEEPING DISCOVERED!

It’s always a good time to make a few resolutions. It’s a well-known fact that just by observing the quantum world, we change it. Talk to Schroedinger’s cat about that: if a fickle pussy is hanging out in a box, we can’t know whether it’s alive or dead til we open the box. This means that, til we open it, the cat must be both alive and dead at once — and by opening the box, we change its state forever!

WATCH OUT FOR THAT ZOMBIE KITTEN!!!

The same is true of light waves. We can only observe photons by absorbing them into specialized photoreceptive cells in our retinas, which are converted to impulses via our brain’s neurons! That does away with those poor little photons, of course, and changes the quantum world.

But now we can peep on such things without their knowhow.

According to this excellent article in The Debrief,

“Using a superconducting qubit called a transmon device, [a group of smarties] say they were able to ‘see’ microwave pulses generated by classical instruments without having to absorb or re-emit any light waves.

“Researchers had to implement a significant change in the standard interaction-free protocol by adding another layer of “quantumness” using a high-energy transmon device.

“We [then] used the quantum coherence of the resulting three-level system as a resource,” said Dr. Paraoanu.”

Transmon device? Quantumness? This all sounds like it was made up by a bunch of atomic-peeping creeps!!

Get outta here, ya nerdy creeps! Leave our quantum realm alone!!!

TILL NEXT TIME FRIENDS

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I LOVE U

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