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THE OFFICIAL DELUXE

PROFESSIONAL GUIDE TO

STARING AT THE SUN

VOLUME 45:

BUST A MOVE, BRO!!!!

You’ve been doing your thing. Vibin.
Keeping it simple. But today’s the day, bro!!!!

YOU’RE GONNA TOSS A HUGE TRICK OUT THERE BRO!!!!

DROP IT RIGHT INTO THE CENTER OF THE ETHERVERSE!!!

Not sure what it’s gonna be yet.

BUT IT’S GONNA BE GOOD!!!

PLAYLIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DECISION TREE: SHAKE IT OR JIGGLE IT?

On the dance floor, we really have just two questions:

Shake it or jiggle it?

It’s a conundrum, really.

To shake is to live.

To jiggle is to die - beautifully.

The movement of your hips, and your body at large, rips a hole in the greater universe as we know it. And this action carries weight.

It’s enough to paralyze ya.

But that move only works for so long before people around you start to notice.

So what’s it gonna be?

Ya gonna shake it? Or ya gonna jiggle it???

Alt option: Do both!

RESOLUTIONS!!!!!

It’s always a good time to make a few resolutions. Better one’s self. Send groovier vibrations into the ether.

So here, I have a resolution.

I’m always bailing on hangs and doing things.

And my excuses suck.

So from here on out, I vow to use better fake excuses when I’m bailing on doing that thing, like these:

Oh my god Rodg, I’m so sorry — my baby turtle Hubert was just viciously attacked by a hawk and I have to tend to his wounds!!! I’m sure he’ll be healed by next week, same time?

Ugh I’m sorry to do this so late, Fran — a polar vortex just appeared above my home and it looks like I’ll freeze to death if I step outdoors. Snow check?

DAMMIT Jonny, this sucks — my mother-in-law just stopped by, and she’s morphed into a half-rhinoceros (like in those Animorph books) and I’m going to have to tranquilize her and get her shipped back to the preserve. If you don’t hear back from me about a new date, I’ve been slain by her.

New around these parts?

If this is your first Guide to Staring at the Sun,
W E L C O M E!

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CONTENT REVIEW: IDIOTS ALMOST DIE MAKING CONTENT!!!

Mr. Beast and Crew Survive 50 Hours in Antarctica!!!

Watch idiots suffer in this short documentary filmed in a 21st century Youtube Style, scored by Hans Zimmer! Come for the good music, stay for the near-death of content creators!!!

UFO REPORT!
MOON ROCKS SEX SCANDAL REVEALED!

According to this Times Now News report, in 2002 a NASA intern stole 101 grams of space rocks collected by the Apollo astronauts. Then, Thad Roberts scattered the rocks on a bed and had sex with his girlfriend atop them.

DICK MOVE, MOON-SEX COUPLE!!!

Roberts and his conspirators were later caught by the FBI after trying to sell the rocks. He served eight years in prison, during which he earned degrees in physics, anthropology, and philosophy.

How did it feel to have sex on the moon (ish)? Roberts doesn’t wanna talk about it!!!

“He told The Daily Star that he's tired of talking about his youthful misdemeanors and instead wants to focus on his interpretation of an 11-dimensional geometric theory encompassing dark matter, dark energy, wave-particle duality, quantum tunnelling, gravity, early-universe inflation, and Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle.”

Whatever, nerd!!!