THE OFFICIAL DELUXE

PROFESSIONAL GUIDE TO

STARING AT THE SUN

VOLUME 49: UNDER PRESSURE

WELL FOLKS THE PRESSURE SHE IS A SQUEEZIN!!

YEEEEOOOOOOOWTCHHHHH!!! ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOT TO DO WHEN THAT HAPPENS???

YOU HARNESS THE INTENSE PRESSURE, REVERSING IT TO CANNON-SHOT YOU INTO THE UNIVERSE!!!!

SOUNDS TECHNICAL BUT IT’S NOT!!! 

JUST STRAP ON YOUR BOOTS, TAKE A FEW DEEP BREATHS, GRAB AHOLD OF THAT INTENSE SQUEEZING PRESSURE BEAM. 

WRANGLE IT!!! NOW YOU’RE THE ONE DOING THE SQUEEZING!!!

GOOD, NOW GIVE IT A GOOD KICK AND USE IT TO FIRE YOURSELF INTO THE UNIVERSE!!!!

DODGE THE INCOMING SQUEEZE CANNON!!!!

YEEEEEEHAWWWWWW!!!!!

THAT ONE TIME WE WERE KICKED OUT OF A DAVID BOWIE EVENT

Well in fact it’s not as bad as it seems. We were at the What Is David Bowie exhibit. AMAZING. The glam rock king in all his glory, from the sax he played as a pup to early performance videos. MUSEUM LEVEL SHIT FRIENDS.

You wore headphones and could listen to exhibits as you walked by. ENGROSSING!!

OH SHIT ITS DAVID BOWIE’S MAGICAL BALLS FROM LABYRINTH!!!

Well, shit if we didn’t hear any announcements that the thing was closing for the night. When they found us trying on the Aladdin Sane outfit they were super pissed!!!!

RUMOR MILL: SPIES ABOUND

Look, I’ve been reading John LeCarre and maybe I’m just being a little paranoid.

But I swear I was being followed by a man in a suit the other day. Then later, I caught him snooping around my garbage cans out back!!!

He wore a well-cut italian suit! I noticed the bulge of a holster on his hip!! OH SHIT!!

He had steely eyes. Well, I reckoned such, BECAUSE HE WAS WEARING DARK SUNGLASSES!!

I thought, PERV? But something about his animalistic bearing made me think, NO. WORSE.

DUDE’S A SECRET AGENT!!!

HE REACHED FOR THE HOLSTER!!!

Well I just had to act, so I laid down on the ground and cried out, 

I’LL FLIP ON WHOEVER, JUST LET ME LIVE!!!

It was his cell phone.

“Yeah, I’m the real estate agent,” he said. “Remember, you called me, dipshit?”

Well, shit. I’d forgotten that.

KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED, AGENTS!!!

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UFO REPORT: VIDEO FROM PLUTO

Listen to that wind howl on Pluto! Man, I remember back in the day Pluto wasn’t even a planet. It was just some pixelized dot from a high-fangled telescope. Now look at us — sitting on this icy tiny beauty with our own high-tech space craft, NASA’s New Horizons!

My goodness, what a view across this vast yet tiny planet in our solar system.

CYA SOON, PLUTO!!!

WAIT A MINUTE, IS THAT THE PRESSURE LETTING UP????

THAT’S THE TICKET! CATCH YA NEXT TIME!

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