*|MC:SUBJECT|*
Muchacho Logo

ISSUE 50: BUSINESS AS USUAL
[SECRET TITLE: THE BIG ONE BABY!!!!!]

The Aloha Zone

A WELCOME AND ALL!!!

You know, I once regaled you with a story about slushies. Now I want to reprise that story with another one that’s slightly interrelated.


You see, this one time I…


ARE THEY GONE???


YEP?!?


Okay good, all the CASUALS left.


BECAUSE IT’S ISSUE #50 baby!!! Drop the balloons!!!


WE MADE IT EVERYBODY!!!!


THEY SAID WE COULDN’T DO IT!!!


LOOK AT US NOW!!!! JUST LOOK AT US!!!

LOOK. I don’t wanna make too big a thing of it, BUT YOU MAY NOTICE A NEW LOOK AROUND HERE — A BIT OF A FRESHENING, SHALL WE SAY? We’re as pleased as an unwatered cactus and hope you are too. 


So listen, it’s a party in here to celebrate ISSUE 50 OF UGSATS BABY. Come on in, THE WATER’S FINE! THANK YOU FOR BEING A DEDICATED READER!!!


[- REDACTED] OUT!!!

Fine tune your bifocals…

It’s a scavenger hunt!

To celebrate our 50th issue of Staring at the Sun, we’ve hidden THREE (3) gift cards for FIFTY (50) DOLLARS ($) each at Muchacho! Clues to help you find them are sprinkled throughout this issue. You may have already read one and not even known it!! Read carefully and good luck!


To kick things off, a hint in haiku form:


The bird flew away

But its sign still remains

With one last treasure.


*Obligatory fine print: only one gift card per customer, please - if you find one, leave the others for your fellow Sun-Starers!

GOOD NEWS EVERYONE!!!

STARING AT THE SUN IS, SCIENTIFICALLY, VERY GOOD FOR YOU!!!


Hey Sun Starers, scope this recent interview with real-life neurobiologist and podcaster Andrew Huberman:


“So when I wake up in the morning, if the sun is out or it’s rising, I’ll go outside and intentionally not wear sunglasses.  I’ll face east, and try to get direct sunlight in my eyes when the sun is low…for so-called low solar angle sunlight.


“And I want to be clear: People should not do this through a window or a windshield, thinking it will work. It simply won't because it filters out too many of the relevant wavelengths. And then I'll look at the sun. I don't stare at the sun, but I'll allow myself to blink. [REDACTED: fine dude, you do you.] 


“You can even look down at your phone or [page 73 of] a book [about the history of Mexican wrestling], that's fine. But you don't want to be with a hat or a hoodie and cloaking your eyes from the sunlight. You want to get that sunlight in your eyes. You want to do this for about five to 10 minutes.”


WHY, ANDREW??


“Now, low solar angle sunlight is special for a couple reasons. First of all—and people can just run this experiment the next time the sun is low in the sky, morning or evening—take a picture of it and you'll notice a lot of yellow-blue contrast. When the sun is overhead, take a picture of it, you won't see that yellow-blue contrast as much or in the evening, it's orange-blue. Yellow-blue or orange-blue contrast is the optimal stimulus for these neurons in the eye that wake up the brain and the rest of the body. To my knowledge, there is no technology, no indoor lighting scheme, no biohack or anything of that sort that's been engineered, which mimics that yellow-blue contrast or yellow-orange contrast accurately.”


GLAD TO HEAR YOU’RE A FAN, ANDREW!!! HAPPY STARING Y’ALL!!!

You’ve got questions. We’ve got answers(?) Or questions?


In this case, a question:

Your friend is hyping themselves up to skydive for the first time. What song do you recommend they listen to in the plane, and why???


Tell us your thoughts - simply hit “reply” to this email.

MR BURCHETT, a firecracker with real huckster charm, presided.


AND HE STARTED THINGS OFF WITH A BANG!!!

“We can’t trust a government that doesn’t trust its people. Dadgummit!!!”

SO TRUE BIG B!!!

“We’re gonna uncover the cover-up, and this is just the beginning!!!”


MS. LUNA (The name, COULD IT BE A COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT) was also REALLY F*CKIN PISSED!!!!

PREACH, SPACE-QUEEN LUNA!!


Holy shit folks, our own government tattled on our other government for covering up aliens!!!


Later, a Ms. Mace asked a Mr. Grusch…

Ms. Mace: Do you believe our government has made contact with intelligent extraterrestrials?

Mr. Grusch: Something I can’t answer in a public setting.

Ms. Mace: If we have crashed crafts, do we have the bodies of the pilots who piloted this craft?

Mr. Grusch: As I’ve stated publicly… biologics came with some of these recoveries. Yeah.

Ms. Mace: Were they human or non-human?

Mr. Grusch: Non-human. And that was the assessment of people with direct knowledge of the program…

Hey look, it’s Mulder and Scully!

MULDER, SCULLY, CAN YOU GIVE A COMMENT!!!???

[REDACTED]

(post-note: Mulder & Scully made no comment but I later caught sight of them smooching by the vending machines.)


Well folks, things are winding down here.


THE FINAL WORD:

ALIENS ARE REAL AND THE GOVERNMENT IS COVERING IT UP!!!

MORESO: CONGRESS MAKES LEGIT UFOS BORING AS HELL!!!

PAY ATTENTION, DEAR READERS!

THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!

[- REDACTED] OUT!


P.S. Watch the whole thing here!

NEW AROUND THESE PARTS?

FAREWELL EVERYONE, THANKS FOR COMING TO OUR BIG 50th!!!

Previous
Previous

Volume 51

Next
Next

Volume 49