UV REPORT  

“Hey, mind if I smoke this here?”

“Sure, no problem.”

HOLY SHIT!  

Sometimes you have upon your property a big cigar. And now’s the perfect time to smoke it!

Never mind you don’t have a cutter. Bite the tip off with your teeth! Yes at the lounge they have long matches. You’ve got your bic!! 

AND OH MY GOODNESS HERE COMES THE BEER YOU ORDERED. YOU CAN SMELL THE FRIED FOOD COMING TOO.

Best part: nothing to do but sit there and smoke your big cigar. You are rooted to that large hunk of luscious fragrant dried tobacco! 

Nothing to do but smoke! Or perhaps some light reading with your cigar, there?

WARNING!

YOU ARE APPROACHING PEAK PING PONG ABILITY!

STOP NOW LEST YOU BECOME A PING PONG GOD

There is a state of mind in which you become so good at ping pong that you nearly ascend into godhood. 
 
Usually it involves rolling up a bunch of Js and icing a few cases of coors light, then dropping two tabs of [REDACTED], or crunching up some [redacted] and eating them in a nice PB&J or [REDACTED]. This is no guarantee of ping pong that escalates into vicious combat. But sometimes it’s just enough to edge you into the godhood of the pong.
 
The competition is vital. If you don’t have a full crew of absolute table tennis sharks, or even those who aspire greatly to be a ping pong shark, you shall never reach...
 
PING PONG ENLIGHTENMENT!!!

What happens is this:
 
You are already invigorated by the chemicals and the vigorous gamesmanship.
 
“Oh yeah [REDACTED] can’t hit a backhand to save his life.”
 
“What footwork.”
 
and “OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!” when the ball begins zapping back and forth, the strikes and strides elongate, and then something more vicious emerges, a striking kill shot down the line. Straight nowhere out of the blue, a deadly sniper's shot, right where you wanted it. Ping.
 
And on and on. You are really hitting em now. The more Coors Lights you drink, the sharper your paddle hand feels. You find the deep edge of the table and conduct a series of rapid deep strikes there, finishing with one that just kisses then bombs the garage floor.
 
“OHHHHHHH SHIIIIIIIT WHAAAT???”

It’s their serve and only 2-2, but you know this game is decided. You’ve got your sweat on, and the [redacted] is hitting real nice. You do not exist as a mere day-job mortal. You are only a ping pong paddle, ready to strike until battle is ended. You know you cannot miss and therefore you cannot be beaten and therefore you are become...

A MIGHTY PING PONG GOD!!!!

UNSTOPPABLE. POWERFUL. INEVITABLE.
 
BUT THERE ARE OTHER GODS ABOUT, AND THEY WANT TO TAKE YOUR GODLY THRONE OF PONG.
 
YOU SHALL NEVER ALLOW IT!!!
 
ALL FEAR THE CLASHES OF THE PING PONG GODS!!!!

LO-FI HOOTIE AND THE BLOWFISH IN A DIVE BAR

THROW THAT EVIL DOLL IN A ROCKING CHAIR OUT THE WINDOW, QUICK!

NOW GRAB THE LOOT!!!

GET TO THE CAVE BASEMENT

LOOKS LIKE YOU MADE IT!!!

OH SHIT…

WE LOSE AGAIN. BURNS ALWAYS WINS.

TILL NEXT TIME, CREEPS!