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ISSUE 52: INTO THE CONSPIRACY-VERSE!!!

The Aloha Zone

ATTENTION!

THIS IS A SPECIAL UGSATS REPORT!

Big shit is afoot people.

Big.

Shit.

The Mexican government has confirmed aliens are real… BY SHARING THEIR MUMMIFIED REMAINS!!!!

Bigfoot was spotted vacationing in Colorado!!! (Or did we find his backyard smoke spot???)

AND FRASIER IS BACK?????

It’s enough to make ya paranoid!!!

Onward, to the conspiracies and strange happenings!!!

BUT FIRST:

BUY SOME HEADGEAR!!!

The rumors are true. This here hat ensures your dome stays free of cell-frying UV damage — and that your third eye is forever open to new opportunities. Each one is finely crafted to fit your weirdly-shaped head.

UFO REPORT… PART ONE

MEXICO SHARES ITS ALIEN MUMMIES

Well folks, sometimes all you can do is share the news straight.

And the news is, Mexico carted out a coupla space-mummies a few weeks back and said they were the real deal.

Not to worry about their ashy appearance.

"Based on the DNA tests, which were compared with more than one million species ... they are not related to what is known or described up to this moment by science or by human knowledge," said Jose de Jesus Zalce Benitez, Director of the Health Sciences Research Institute of the Secretary of the Mexican Navy, in a story by Reuters.

Welp, reckon that settles it.

By the way, what are the scariest ever horror mummies?

Imhotep from The Mummy, for sure. Both Karloff and Arnold Vosloo are Sexy AND command scarabs and armies of undead soldiers? That’s a power-mummy right there.
Is the Cryptkeeper a mummy? If so, this guy, who taught us good humor can chill the blood.
Whatever movie some aspiring filmmaker makes out of this one. I mean, if it’s true, you’ve got probably the most dramatic story ever told—old baby-sized sticky gray-men made us, we guess!!???—and if it’s not, Spielberg’s still interested.

Could this all just be the advanced advertising for E.T.2?

Now that’s some

GOSSIP CALIENTE!!!!

FREE SHIT!!!

SNATCH IT UP BEFORE THE ALIENS ARRIVE AND NULLIFY SUCH BASIC NEEDS AND DESIRES!!!

SKEE BALL MACHINE!

Skee balls included!

BROKEN JET SKI!

This link leads to a treasure map. The treasure: a broken jet ski with the keys in it and a former owner who is “over it.” Good luck, pirates!

VINTAGE CHILD’S BUBBLE GUM MACHINE!

Potentially haunted, but who knows.

UFO REPORT CONTINUES!!!

BIGFOOT IS VACATIONING IN COLORADO!

You know things are going to hell when Bigfoot doesn’t care about the paparazzo.

Two train-riding sightseers spotted the creature in the foothills of Colorado recently, capturing clear footage of the beast taking a mighty dump:

Yeah, that’s him. The hairy old washed-up hack has been living in Southern Colorado for a decade now.

“It's not the first time that an alleged Sasquatch has been sighted in those mountains, which are located in the San Juan National Forest. Four Bigfoot sightings have been reported since 1989 in San Juan County, according to the Bigfoot Field Researchers Organization.

The most recent sighting was in 2008, when a hiker chasing after his three children on a trail outside Durango reported spotting a “large hairy figure” walking on two legs that could have been up to nine feet tall.”

I mean, I’m surprised he’s just talking walks out near trains now. Doesn’t seem to care too much more about the mystery. Sad.

That guy never goes out anymore, anyway.

Yeah, he owes me $60 bucks and a few apologies.

I don’t wanna go into it, OK?

Anyway, hope he’s doing fine out there, and if he wants to hit me up he has my number.

BYE!!!