ISSUE 53: CRYSTAL GREMLIN RETURNS!!!

The Aloha Zone

BEWARE!!!!!! HE’S BACK!!!

Hey.

You gotta watch out.

There’s a bad actor out there. Creepin’ in the shadows. Waiting for his moment.

TO STRIKE!!!!

Don’t want to say too much. Can’t say too little, either.

Crystal Gremlin.

He’s back. He’s badder than ever.

DON’T TOUCH HIS CRYSTAL!

Don’t. Touch it. At all. Because he will capture your energy!!!!

AND USE IT FOR HIS MISDEEDS!!!

And he’s a big huge prick.

BEWARE CRYSTAL GREMLIN!!!! HE’S AROUND!!!!

P.s. HE CAN BE A GOOD TIME THO, SOMETIMES!!!!

SCIENCE CLASS!

USING SPIDERS AS TOOLS: WHY, SCIENTISTS? WHY???

Crazy story out of ScienceNewsExplores this week: A couple of mad scientists are having a ball using spider corpses as micro-tools!!!

“Sticking a syringe into a dead wolf spider’s back turned it into a ‘necrobot’ gripper. It proved strong enough to pick up a second spider corpse,” headlines their ENTIRELY TRUE story about a team of researchers at Rice University who have perfected using dead spider corpses as microtools to do random miniscule toolwork.

The study highlights that spiders are hydraulic machines: press fluid into them, and they expand; withdraw it, and they contract. That’s exactly how these researchers did this thing.

WOWEE!!!

Still not sure how we feel about this slightly sickening eight- legged claw machine game.

DEEP CONVERSATION!

CRYSTAL GREMLIN SPEAKS!!!!

Look, I’m scared to even admit this. But I saw Crystal Gremlin the other day. He was lurking around the local strip mall, stealing shopping carts and lighting small fires.

And instead of running away, like I should have done, I went over to him.

[R] Crystal Gremlin. You’ve got some questions to answer,  

buddy!

Crystal Gremlin: Oh hey. It’s you. Wow. Having some cub

reporter fun, are we?

[R] Crystal Gremlin. I want the exclusive on why you do what  

you do. Are you an energy vampire? A being from beyond who’s

misunderstood? Just some jerk?

CG: HAHAHAHA that is a good one [REDACTED]. Yes you got me, I’m

an energy vampire, obviously.

[R] So you admit it? That’s what you are? I’m not impressed,

you know. You stole my friend’s energy, and she still hasn’t

gotten it back.

CG: Oh no, your poor friend lost her energy? No, I don’t think

it was me that took it. Must have been someone else, even

though yes I am an energy vampire—

—but it couldn’t be that I’ve sucked the energy out of so many

people at madhouse music festivals over the past, oh say 3  

millennia or so that I can’t even remember sucking your poor

friend’s energy??

[R] …

CG: HAHAHAHAHA, joking of course!!! Hey, wanna see my crystals?

[R] Get outta here Crystal Gremlin. Not again.

CG: Say, how’s your mother these days?

[R] Don’t try to redirect, Crystal Gremlin! That’s Classic  

You!!!!

CG: Here’s what I’ll say about my crystals. People think that –

[R] CG, I don’t wanna hear it –

CG: I’m stealing their energy. Really they’re just giiiiiiving

it to me –

[R] Man you really are gross –

CG: Freeeeeely they give it to me!! GIVE IT TO ME!!!

[R] Wait what this interview is over –

CG: IT’S GREMLIN TIME BABY TOUCH THIS CRYSTAL AND LET’S GROOVE

WHILE I ENERGY VAMPIRE YOU!!!!! SYMBIOSIS SYMBIOSIS SYMBIOSIS –

[R] Sigh.

NEW AROUND THESE PARTS?

BYE GOBLINS!!!!